The Coolamity Crew

Welcome to the Coolamity Crew Comic for Strong Humans.

Click here to read from the beginning, or here for the latest update.

The Coolamity Crew is a sequential artwork of consummate genius, written and drawn by Simon Petocz and co-written by Andrew McCalman. It began one afternoon as a creative response to the crises of the human condition, brought about by running out of Cheese and Bacon Balls. Since that day the intrepid authors have worked tirelessly, letting all semblance of personal hygiene fall by the wayside, in order to bring you the majesty that is this comic.

Coolamitous Characters

Cog Scrap-Buckle

Cog is a spry youth known for his prodigious engineering abilities which are matched only by his ability to cause engineering-related disasters.

As a young orphan growing up in a scrap-yard he noticed that he lacked parents, and immediately constructed several robotic parenting devices out of the adjacent materials. The exercise was highly successful until later that day when they tried to clean the dirt off the dirt floor of their domicile. It’s estimated they will reach the centre of the earth sometime before the next ice-age.

In his fifth Winter, Cog happened across a young three-toed sloth who was attempting to seek warmth in the interior of a furnace. After a courageous rescue which the sloth mostly slept through they became lifelong friends (Cog did note that Sloth’s singed fur appeared to grow back 25% faster than expected, but he dismissed the notion as fundamentally ridiculous). Since that time Cog and his fearless sidekick have had low levels of success in building the world’s first flying machine, but quite a lot of success in building the world’s first falling machine.

The Incredible Nigel

Few men dream to soar among the great heights of human achievement and fewer still are thrown there by accident. But only one man has reached so high and still grasped nothing.

As a child, Nigel’s parents were quickly made aware that their hopes lay elsewhere and sent Nigel to a boarding school. The school later added a clause to their rules of acceptance which made all Nigel’s ineligible, even after his parents donated four new wings to the school (two of which Nigel burned down in his first year).

Nigel then studied magic under a famously reclusive master of the old and forgotten arts. His years were mostly wasted in adding f’s to the word arts and spending longer studying the mirror than the ancient scrolls. Claiming to have surpassed his master (a statement that literally killed the old man from laughter), Nigel ventured off to seek his fortune and make his mark upon the world. Not understanding how to earn renown, he did this himself and thus, in the reflection of a spoon, was born The Incredible Nigel. To this day, no one else has ever exclaimed his title except with the utmost sarcasm.

Through an elaborate series of mishaps, badly-timed puns and a poor lemon harvest, Nigel ended up partnered with Scarlet, who become his very reluctant guardian.

Scarlet Corinthian

Scarlet first awoke in the ancient city of Corinthe when the Grande Archsmith Bruce built a suit of armour so perfect that it conjured within itself a beating heart.

She served as General to the Corinthian armed forces for centuries until the cataclysmic overthrow of the city occurred, scattering the few survivors to the corners of the world.

Broken, but alive, she swore to one day vanquish the invaders of her homeland. After regaining her strength she was further hindered by a series of events that led to the forced companionship of The Incredible Nigel. After attempting to lose him in several forests and once at the bottom of the ocean, she accepted that he must have been sent by the Gods to test the fortitude of her spirit.

Sloth

Sloth “The Sloth” Slothington was born with the supernatural ability to grow his fur 25% faster than a regular sloth, however it hasn’t as yet proved to be of much service to anyone. His passions in life include, but are not limited to, eating and sleeping. He has been known to go through phases of sitting, and occasionally flying, although this is considered by most experts to be largely apocryphal.

FAQ - For the all questions to which none of you wanted answers.

How frequently will new pages be put online?

There should be an average of one new page each week. If a week goes by without a new page please upload one of your own making.

What brand of moisturiser does Nigel use and in what amounts?

Nigel actually makes it himself as he doesn’t trust the softness of his skin to anyone less talented than he. Rumour has it that most of the ingredients can be found at any local market and that he applies it every time he or someone else says ‘the Incredible Nigel’.

What part of the regulations was Cog going to cite to the Pavillion Regulations Committee?

In Section 15.1 - 174:22 of the Reinforced Manual of Official Guidelines to Temporary or Semi-temporary Tent-based Construction and Maintenance, it is so written that no pavilion, standing more than 3/17th’s of a furlong, may be without the support and tensile rigidity to cushion a falling projectile that contains human life of a size no greater than 3 people, and non-humanoid life no greater than 2 creatures, if said creatures are of a size smaller than the humans.

How did Sloth get his name and can I call my pet Sloth?

The name Sloth is actually an acronym of “Serrated Leech Of Tyrannical Hell” and legally, we would say maybe.

Can I legally marry a print-off of one of the pages of this comic?

You may, but the owners of Coolamity Crew Inc take no responsibility for paper-cuts.

Is it possible to get some schematics/blueprints of Cog’s airship?

For accuracy, we did design a fully functional aircraft but the plans were accidentally used in a local paper plane competition and are now lost.

Could you describe what a Coolamity is?

Yes, could you?

I am a mother and I don’t want my children reading inappropriate things online, how would you ‘rate’ your comic?

I would say that it delves into philosophically dark depictions of the human condition and would therefore be unsuitable for any children that have not read much Nietzsche. Ages 4+ ?

Why does my life feel empty?

Because you’ve briefly stopped reading Coolamity Crew to ask us that.

If I pay you $399 can you draw me as an extra in the comic?

Yes, but we will take pains to depict you as much uglier than you are in real life.

Where can I buy a Sloth costume for my child / wife?

Unfortunately the Sloth costumes that we manufacture only fit actual sloths.

How would you rate your own attractiveness out of 10?

I would give myself a 6.

And I'd say about the same.

How many animals have died in the making of the comic?

It depends if you count yeast as an animal. If not, the count is much higher, as we have a lot of yeasts being born in and around our various workplaces/bodies in order to offset the number of sloths that have perished while testing our flying machines.

When someone dies in the comic do they go to an afterlife?

All characters who die in the comic are redrawn on a blank page, and for every dollar you send in they receive one additional line of paradise drawn around them.

I tried on a hat in a shop and it looked pretty good. Should I buy it?

No matter what you saw in the shop, hats never work on anyone.

Are you worried about Vactinoids? Why/Why not?

No, that is not a word.